I lied. Was not the first time, was not the last, and was not the worst one I told. But it is one that I still ruminate on and am reminded of often all these years later.
The Big Lie? I had said I had seen the latest film David Bowie had a role in when I had only read about its upcoming release.
It was the summer shortly after high school graduation and I was at a party with friends and classmates. Most everyone knew I was a Bowie fanatic – in an unofficial listing of senior class prophecies, I had been voted “Most Likely to Become David Bowie” – so to have not been one first to see the movie would be indefensible and ruin my Bowie reputation.
The film was “Absolute Beginners”. The lie was reflexive. The impact was immediate and with no end.
Rather than simply saying I had not seen it yet but was eager to, I instead referred to trailers I had seen or reviews I had read to craft a plausible response that would assure my friend that I was a true fan and ahead of the poseurs.
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I think of that moment, that interaction, that lie, often. It represents an opportunity I had to be honest and to know that it’s okay to have faults. I wanted to maintain an image and control the perception others had of me.
That moment to me is the clearest point of origin in my lifelong effort to manufacture, maintain and manage a fiction.
Perhaps it was not the absolute beginning but continually revisiting it through the shape of my life, has fueled the start of a self-awareness, a reflection, and an acceptance. It’s okay to be embarrassed, to show some faults, some defects — and the lightness offered through honesty with myself and to others removes the weightiness of keeping up appearances.
We don’t sell things. We sell dreams.
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